Exploring the Questions

How Curiosity Leads us to Become Our Adult Selves

I think of myself as a Spiritual Pilgrim. Someone who is finding his way through life as one does while on a pilgrimage, or a multi-day hike through the mountains. I have a general sense of direction, yet there is much about what lies ahead that I do not know. There are Unforeseen Challenges and Unexpected Gifts of Grace that will come together as an integrated set, which forms the meaning of the word, Wonder.

I am a Wanderer by nature, a Pilgrim moving slowly along the Wonder-filled Path of Discovery. My journey is not about certainty, or having everything figured out and under control, nor having a tightly worded, concise an answer for every question. No. My journey is more about exploring the questions I have about life, and simply trusting that everything will be ok in the end.

When I was 6 or 7 years old, I remember going to a beach with my family to a place called Shelter Cove along the Barnegat Bay in New Jersey. While my sisters got swim lessons at the water’s edge, I opted to float out into the deep on a borrowed inner tube. After a short while, I felt an irresistible urge to paddle toward the horizon, which meant moving farther and farther away from the beach, and my parents.

I wondered: “What’s it like out there?” and felt the gravitational pull of curiosity drawing me toward discovery and away from the status quo. There I was, in my own world. Until, that is, the spell was broken by the sound of an outboard motorboat manned by a lifeguard and my father who was there to reel me in and bring me back to “safety.”

I have mixed feelings about that moment today. On the one hand, I know and appreciate what my father did to protect me. I might have done the same thing. On the other hand, I wish that moment had included affirmations of my curiosity, and sense of wonder and adventure. Instead, I came away from it feeling like I had done something wrong by taking a risk.

I wish I had been taught that safety and risk are partners in a healthy life, not opponents. That safety should not always be my top priority when making decisions. After all, “risk” is not another word for “unsafe”. Safety is a factor, but Exploration is the goal. Yes, exploration may come with risks, but risks can be managed, and fears can be integrated so that our exploration of life can be pursued with confidence.

As one who was a Pastor for almost 30 years, I tended to get interested in new ways of looking at old Bible passages and how they relate to us today. Sometimes my journey led me to read the Bible from different perspectives, and to see Other Religions differently too. I gained new understandings of things like Heaven and Hell, the rights of LGBTQ people, Gender Equality, and other things that aroused concern from my parishioners and superiors, because I was moving into places that felt Unknown or Unsafe to them. Sometimes their concern caused them to question my faithfulness to the mission of Jesus. Sometimes they feared I was on a slippery slope of theological ruin.

For a long time, when I sensed their fear or concern, I would walk my ideas back a bit, to places where they might feel more comfortable. But inwardly, I continued my pursuit toward the spiritual horizon and felt the gravitational pull of curiosity drawing me toward discovery and away from their status quo.

Gradually I came to the realization that I needed to find another way to express my pastoral calling and gifts. I knew that I could no longer remain where I was, because to do so would mean, I could no longer be myself. And for me, doing that would be unfaithful to the God who Made me, Loves me, and Accepts me just the way I am.

So, I spoke with my District Superintendent about my journey. I told him that “I needed another place in God’s vineyard to serve.” I told him that I appreciated the years I served with our denomination and that our fellowship is like “my spiritual family of origin.” I told him that “I love my family of origin!.…I just don’t want to live with them anymore.” And he laughed, because that’s how we all feel when we know it’s time to leave our parents’ home to become our adult selves.

That was one of the most empowering moments of my life. I no longer had to walk things back to feel safe. I could finally be my adult self without feeling ashamed. I could appreciate all that I had learned while I was with them, and confidently hold on to the values that still hold meaning for me. Yet, I could also let go of the things that I no longer believe, or that no longer serve me well. And yet, I could still appreciate even those things, because they once played an important role in my life, and I would not have grown to the place of letting them go, without them.

So, my dear friends, Here’s to our Spiritual Pursuit toward the Horizon. Here’s to embracing the Gravitation Pull of Curiosity, which draws us toward Discovery and away from the Status Quo. And here’s to Life’s Empowering Moments when we Become our Adult Selves and know in our hearts that Everything will be OK.